If you are like me then there are probably many days when you worry that you’re not giving your children the attention that they need or deserve. I’ve had many moments like this over the years, wondering if I’m causing them irrevocable damage because I’m so focused on the daily grind; getting them ready for school, working, cooking dinner, cleaning, running them to sport and extracurricular activities that I’m not taking the time to have ‘present’ quality time with them.
Recently a girlfriend was telling me about her teenager who was very unhappy because she didn’t think her parents had made a big enough deal about a test at school that she had aced. The teen ruminated what was the point in her working so hard at school if her parents didn’t even acknowledge it. Now said parents certainly did acknowledge her great test score, but then also had a discussion about the fact that you have to work hard for your own benefit and goals and not just for the accolades they bring. In the end though it became clear that this youngest child was simply feeling like she wasn’t getting enough attention.
Soon after I happened to be reading about Dr Jaak Panksepp’s theory which advocates that for children to feel happy and secure and be productive members of society they need from us 9 minutes of undivided attention a day:
- The first 3 minutes after they wake up
- The first 3 minutes after a long separation, eg after school
- The last 3 minutes before they go to bed
This really resonated with me. It doesn’t matter whether they are 3 or 13, it’s really just about the fact that we are giving them our undivided, positive attention for a few moments each day. A happy face in the morning, cuddles in bed, singing a song in the car after school, sharing a snack, hugs and kisses at bedtime, these seemingly simple, yet impactful interactions are the ones that will give our children the emotional security and connection that they need to feel happy and safe.
In our hectic lives where we are always time poor, finding 9 minutes a day seems manageable. It doesn’t need to be complicated or time-consuming and by focusing on these 3 simple, yet impactful moments each day, I really think that in addition to nourishing our children’s souls, we will also be nourishing our own.
P.S. After sharing the 9 Minute Theory with my girlfriend who had an unhappy teen, the very next day she implemented it and you will be pleased to know she recently gave me an update that her teen has become a much more happy family member with just that small amount of intimate attention a day. Amazing to know that it really works for kids of all ages!